Firing Line by Art Lambert

by Art Lambert on 1/26/2004

on Prepvolleyball.com

PARENTS-----------BLESSING OR CURSE

Parents, as most anyone knows, play a very important part in any club program. They can be a blessing or a curse, depending, of course, on the situation and circumstances surrounding the club team. Let’s discuss the blessings first. They, the (parents) provide clubs and coaches with the athletes, funding (in most cases, either raising monies or contributing directly) and transportation. Well, that should take care of the "blessings."

Now, let’s talk about the curse(s). I will try to be somewhat brief here as space constraints and time are a factor. Most any coach has had his/her troubles with parents, provided that the coach has a passion for coaching and winning. More on coaching and coaches at another time. We will begin this portion of the discussion with one parent who shall forever remain No. 1 in my heart for the following statement: "I don’t care if my daughter gets an athletic scholarship, although I hope she does, but what means the most to me and her mother is what she has learned in this program, not just volleyball, but learning to participate on a team, the discipline it takes to participate, how to conduct yourself when you travel, living on the road etc.,etc. These are things she would not have learned otherwise, items that will do her in good stead for the rest of her life." (God love this man).

From there it goes downhill. We have the parent who really doesn’t care if the team wins or loses, so long as his daughter plays. For some reason, because they pay for their daughter to play, parents seem to think that they have a proprietary interest in the team. And therefore can dictate the direction the club may be taking as well as directing the coach on substitutions. Well, not on my watch. Been there, gone through that.

Table talk, at dinner or breakfast, is also a source of discord with parents. Girls, you see are manipulative, boys are confrontational. Yes, we have raised 4, 2 boys and 2 girls. Girls, you see, will tell you what they think you would like to hear. So, what a parent gets at the dinner table is quite one sided. Unfortunately, many parents jump on their daughters’ statements, come running to the coach demanding that they rectify whatever it is that the daughter has complained about. And they do it at the most inappropriate time, like during practice, or just before or by phone at the coach’s home. If you want to get my attention, talk to me after practice AND after your daughter has spoken to me about her concerns. It is always nice to hear it from her first. And, don’t be misled by her statements that she is intimidated by the coach, that he/she will jump all over her, ad nauseum. By having her talk to the coach first, she is made to confront her concerns to someone other than her parents and that folks, is good training.

As a parent, you have to support the entire team, just not your daughter. Yes, even if your daughter is sitting on the bench. We all know that everyone wants to play. You wouldn’t be worth much athletically if you didn’t. However, like most everything else in life it is a competitive atmosphere. And yes, they do keep score. Somebody wins and somebody loses. As a coach, I want to be associated with the former, not the latter, so I am going to play who I think the best GROUP of girls is, not just who are the best players. No coach, at least I would hope not, is out there to see your daughter fail. That is not the business we are in. If you don’t agree with this scenario, fine. Let your daughter play in a recreational league where there is little demand for her to excel and she can have a good time. You see, in a competitive program, you don’t always "have a good time." Sometimes hard work is not fun. But winning sure is. So, be realistic about your daughters’ abilities. Don’t put pressure on her. There is enough already.

Most parents I talk to give lip service to wanting their daughter "to be competitive." And when coaches drive them to be so, they complain either about the harshness of the coach, or the terrible demands placed upon their daughter, most of which is nonsense. We are now living in a society where nobody takes responsibility for their actions anymore. It is always somebody else’s fault. Athletics is probably the last place, and fast disappearing, where one is accountable for one’s actions. As a parent, don’t pander to your daughters’ whining or complaining about why "things aren’t right." Do you run up to her on the bench to give her the water bottle that she forgot? If you do, you are not helping matters at all. Poor dear, she has no water. Well, if you don’t bring it to her, I doubt that she will forget it the next time. A small point, perhaps, but a part of learning to be competitive. The point is, how can you expect anyone to be competitive in any form, if you are catering to their needs all the time?

Parents should try keeping their mouths shut when in the stands with other parents. I am talking here about "ragging" on the coach. You know, "Why does he keep her in?" Or, "I really don’t understand that substitution?" Or, "Did you know what she did last week?" In other words, the gossip mill.

First of all, most of you don’t know what the hell you are talking about. Secondly, you have little idea of the dynamics of the team, what goes on at practice, or what goes on when the team travels, how the team interacts with each other, in restaurants or at motels. Third, you embarrass yourselves in front of others and last, there are lots of parents who really don’t give a damn what you have to say, let alone the coach. But it does detract from the cohesiveness that is necessary for any club to be successful. You need parents, players and coaches on the same page. The coach sets the tone for the club and team. If that is not acceptable, go recreation or find another club.

Do you as a parent need to be at EVERY tournament/practice? I once asked my Dad, when I was playing, "How come you don’t come to more of my games?" It was an innocent enough question, just curious mind you, and his answer was, "Son, this is your ‘thing,’ not mine. I enjoy watching you of course, but you are the one doing the work, you are the one interacting with your teammates and frankly that is not my business, it is yours. This is a big part of your life right now and you don’t need me or your mother hanging around all the time. It is not good for you." (He said the last statement with a wink). Yes, he was very supportive of my efforts.